


tell me why my gods look like you

by artificialmelody



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: (again) its kind of?, Angst, Boarding School AU, Domestic Violence, Drinking, F/F, Fluff, High School AU, Homophobia, Hurt, Lesbian AU, Religion, Religious Fanaticism, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Slurs, Smoking, Violence, cis girl au, kind of?, the tw's:
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-11-08 02:52:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17973071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artificialmelody/pseuds/artificialmelody
Summary: It's Valentine's Day, Sharon and Alaska are girlfriends that just want to celebrate that together. But sadly they can't, because of the environment they live: religious, intolerant, full of homophobia. Having to hide their love since it started, they crave some alone time, and when Sharon's parents go out to an church event, Sharon plans the perfect date.





	tell me why my gods look like you

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, I'm just here for warn Y'all about the trigger warnings again. This fic has some real serious stuff, and I don't wanna trigger anyone :(.   
> TW for: homophobia, slurs against lesbians, religious stuff, domestic violence/implied abuse, drinking (underage), smoking (underage), sexism, and violence.   
> Have a good reading, and if you can't read this because of the tw's it's fine!! Don't trigger yourself and go drink some water <3333 (sorry I just really care about somebody reading this and being like oH FUCK)

Sharon woke up with a noise, a lot of them to be more exact. Her parents weren’t exactly the calmest and centered people in the world. She tries to muffle the sound with her pillow on her ears, but even like that, she could hear that still. If they were like that on Valentine's day, imagine in the rest of the year. 

Catholic girls school, Catholic parents, Catholic life. She didn’t even remember if there was a single Sunday she didn’t go to the church. Actually, that was how she meets Alaska. They meet none of the boring masses where all she wanted was to kick the priest’s head and set that on fire. She remembered Alaska in a ‘’good girl’’ white dress with floral print who had no sparkle in her eyes. She also remembered to see that sparkle when Sharon first talked to her. 

Alaska’s scent was like fresh flowers, her smile was bubbly and shiny, and her laugh sounded like sweet angelic music... It was the first time Sharon actually enjoyed going to the mass. She came there all innocent, with her pure smile, to say Sharon had a very pretty style. Even forced to wear a dress, that black dress matched her also black converse and fishnet. Her parents complained all the way to the Church because of her outfit. But, it was worth it to be get complimented by a goddess like Alaska. 

They found out their parents already knew each other but weren’t what you could call friends. Sharon heard her mom saying ‘’Pam Thunder got a lot of weight, and definitely in the middle of church service. I am wondering if she eats the cupcakes she has to place in, that’s why I never find them. Sharon! You’re also kinda chubby, do you think Pam’s daughter is like you?’ No, she’s pretty and you… Well’’.

Also, they found out that they went to the same school. So since that day they never stopped talking or texting each other. The bond between them got stronger and stronger. They couldn’t stop that feeling, the butterflies. They started to sneak out on the masses more frequently, to skip classes, to text each other cute emojis, to pass little notes in the classes... Of course, Alaska couldn’t go to Sharon’s house because her mother hated Alaska’s family now - for Sharon’s bad luck. -, but they always hang out on Alaska’s. Why would her mom think her perfect daughter with straight A’s was dating a girl? 

Alaska’s parents thought she was straight, and so did her. Sharon already knew she was gay, she knew it since she was eleven and looked at Avril Lavigne with heart eyes. Alaska didn’t know her sexuality for sure, but she was sure it wasn’t straight in the second she saw Sharon. She couldn’t care less about Alaska’s sexuality, they were together and that was all that mattered. Sharon supported her girlfriend and would help her to find out who she was. Or, if she didn’t have the need to, they would be fine. 

Now she had to fix the mess that was her hair - and she knew her mom would say something negative about it. But she got a smile on her face because she would at least talk to her girlfriend on Valentine’s day. Usually, Sharon would buy flowers for her girlfriend, and cuddle at her girlfriend’s house. But they really couldn’t cuddle or anything similar in either of their houses. Alaska’s door had to be open, somehow Sharon's parents had the impression that Sharon was gay. 

When she saw her reflex in the mirror, a tired sigh came out of her mouth. Her uniform was so boring, that dark blue plaid skirt and that plain white blouse made her look like an old lady. It didn’t even match her doc martens. It looked very good on Alaska although, everything looked good on her. Great, now Sharon was thinking about her again.

She was going upstairs deader than a ghost, but then she heard her mom and dad talking in an actual normal tone of voice. She sneaked in to hear the conversation because they were talking as they didn’t want Sharon to know: 

‘’Sharon can’t go with us to this event… Everyone thinks she is…’’ 

Being gay would make her skip a church event. Sharon never felt happier for having the family that she had in her whole life.

‘’I know, a lesbian. We need to find her a man, and if she graduates High School? Are you letting her do college now? For God’s sake,’’ Sharon’s dad started to raise his voice tone. 

Great, now they were in 1950 again. Sometimes she thought her parents were late on time, their minds were too outdated. They actually tried to find her a boyfriend before, but Sharon split in his face. The boy was the son of the priest's brother or something like that, and her mother got very mad. All because she said he would bring her ''status''.

‘’Well while she doesn’t have a man, we can’t go with her, all the other moms will be there! Can’t she be alone after school studying? What could she do? Set our house on fire?’’

‘’I would if I had the chance’’ Sharon thought, taking a deep breath to listen to the rest of that conversation. 

‘’I don’t know, she could be sinning, remember when we found cigarettes in her room?’’ 

That was the point. Sharon’s parents never left her alone since they found out the perfect daughter smoked. Sharon used to be the role daughter, or pretend to, until that day. Since then, stuff went even more downhill. And turns out now she was the black sheep.

‘’She could be with….’’ her mother was visibly shaking ‘’Sharon could be with another woman’’

Slap, her dad mercilessly hit her mom in the face. Sharon could take seeing that one more time, she saw that her whole life. Her parents were disgusting for her. But sometimes, Sharon actually had some pity on her mom, she knew that wasn't what she wanted for her life. Even if she used to say that was god planned to her, she knew secretly her mom sometimes wished she never meets her dad.

‘’Don’t say that under my roof, Patricia’’ he split the words in her face ‘’we raised our daughter right! She's like this because of you, you know that.’’

''Me? What I did now, Liam?''

''Oh Miss scientist, did you forgot you secretly was applying for a sciences course behind my back? Did you forgot Sharon had to see her mom like that as a kid?''

Her mother had a dream as a child, to become a scientist. Unfortunately, as her family was very similar, she had to marry her dad as soon as she could, and have Sharon. It seemed like 1950, but their family was a very traditional family. No matter what century was that they always would have that head - Sharon was an exception. 

So, when Sharon was about nine years old her mom decided to take a course in the area she liked. All behind Sharon's dad back and Sharon kept her secret at the time. It didn't take long for Sharon's dad to find out, and when he did it went bad. It was the first night Sharon heard their fight, and when she realized her life was a big mess.

Liam thought a woman being independent was the reason for Sharon's homosexuality. But the true reason was that she was born this way. And her mom should've had the right of being who she was, Sharon should've had the right of expressing her love... But living in that religious traditional complex, neither of them could. Her mom wasn't too different from her at all. 

And they were arguing again. Yelling, louder, and louder. It was incredible how they still thought Sharon could be sleeping - when she was almost late for school. When the situation seemed a little bit calmer, she went downstairs. In the minute they saw her, they pretended never happened. 

‘’Good morning darling’’ her mom smiled putting tasty big pancakes in her plate. As the happy television commercial wife, she pretended to be. ‘’You know I hate your hair untied like this, you should do braids or pigtails… I heard that is what the boys are into...’’

‘’Yeah, but the only man who likes sluts Patricia, our daughter has to find a right man’’ 

''Well, then you should make a bun! It's very classy and it could make a rich good man come after you''

‘’I’ll keep it untied then…’’ Sharon whispered, but unfortunately, her mother heard:

‘’What do you mean young lady?’’

‘’Nothing mother, nothing’’ she mumbled with the mouth stuffed with that sweet pancakes

‘’ I and your mom are going to a church event tonight. Unfortunately, teenagers won’t be able to come… It’s about marriage, so can you stay home alone for a few hours? Don’t do stupidities, Sharon…’’

That was everything she wanted to hear. 

‘’Yes, thank you for trusting on me, it means a lot’’ she replied them with the fakest smile, the fakest voice. 

‘’We love you so much, sweetheart’’ 

It was funny how her dad sipped his pure black coffee and didn’t say one word. 

While Sharon’s mom was saying she shouldn’t eat more pancakes, talking about her weight again. Sharon’s smile was big because she had a place to spend valentine's day with her significant other.

Usually, Sharon rides her bike to school, but not on that day. The sound of the doorbell gave Sharon anticipated butterflies in the stomach. She ran to open it, she didn’t even know why it was fate. When she did, she finally understood what heaven meant after all.

Alaska looked heavenly, the definition of an angel. The uniform looked very good on her and made every single trait of her glow up even more. Everything about her was perfect, even with their boring uniform. She was wearing white knee socks and high heels - even if Sharon knew Alaska’s mom hated them, that was rebellious of her. Her hair half tied in a messy bun on top of her head was like postmodern art. And she was sure the pink lipgloss she was wearing was craving to get removed with a bunch of kisses. Sharon was still speechless, while her girlfriend smiled. 

‘’Aren’t your going to greet your girl-’’ Alaska coughed when she saw Sharon's parents ''your girl pal?''

‘’Who’s at the door, Sharon?’’ 

They both were panicking now, Sharon could hear her moms steps, walking fast to see what was happening.

‘’You’re gonna get lat- Oh, Alaska Thunder’’ 

Alaska gulped, she was absolutely shaking in the view of Sharon’s mom. Television commercial housewives can be very scary when they were mad - Sharon knew that. 

‘’Hello Mrs. Coady, what a beautiful morning, god bless you’’ 

‘’God bless you too, sweetie…’’ Sharon could see her mother rolling her eyes, she wanted to laugh so bad. ‘’What are you doing here sweetheart? I don’t see you around that much''

Her mom's voice was so fake that Sharon wanted to laugh, right there, in the middle of that odd conversation.

''And thank God’’ she whispered, but Sharon was sure Alaska heard that. 

‘’Sharon’s bike broke, so I offered to drive her to school’’ 

Technically her bike was functioning perfectly. But since her mom didn’t know anything about bikes because she had the 1950’s woman head, that was an awesome lie. Sharon was proud of her girlfriend for lying so well, she had to contain her smile. 

‘’Yep, I was about to tell you, mom, it’s only for today’’

Her mom hesitated and looked at Alaska with a dead look. Unexpectedly she hugged Sharon.

‘’Bye honey. And you two, don’t call the attention of the boys too much. You two are deadly pretty… My daughter is prettier, but you will find your way Alaska’’

They exchanged guilty looks, both almost laughing until their stomach hurt. They wouldn’t, because Sharon knew Alaska was already looking at her with passionate eyes. Her mom wanted to stimulate feminine rivalry, but instead, she was only making their love grow. 

Now, on the road, the wind blew in Sharon’s wavy black hair when she put her head out of the window. It was like an old classic movie, as they both were running away like Bonnie and Clyde. They could’ve been them, but fear surrounded them in that hideous environment they lived. Sharon put her feet in the panel of the car, chilling and contemplating the landscape. The dead silence between them got filled in when Alaska put some music on.

Chills ran over Sharon’s body: ‘’Awww, you put on Marilyn Manson’’

‘’Yes, happy valentine's day, baby’’ Alaska drop a kiss in the air 

Alaska got something from her backpack and handed to Sharon. Something wrapped in the cutest gift paper ever - it was white with little carefully painted roses. When she opened it, her eyes got filled with tears. Sharon wasn’t the kind of girl who cried, but all she wanted was to hug her girlfriend now.

‘’It’s my fave Marilyn Manson album… Your parents… Lask, how did you-’’

‘’I saved for it, I have a secret spot for money under my bed’’

Both their parents always controlled their money. Alaska’s parents had a good life, they could afford a lot of CDs like that, but rock music was ‘’satanic’’ for their church. Alaska’s parents would freak out if they saw her daughter bought that kind of stuff. So, she sneaked money to give her girlfriend something that meant the world for her. 

Sharon’s mom found her rock cd’s once, including the same one she had in her hands now. She freaked out and banished all the music and posters of artists she liked and her mom considered ‘’evil’’. Alaska remembered comforting her girl because of how toxic her parents were. The environment both of them lived was, it was toxic and killed them slowly. It never allowed them to live their own lives and it made them very sick.

‘’You actually remembered it… How?’’

‘’I wanted to see you happy, boo’’ she blinked ‘’now please hide it this time’’

‘’I’ll as we hide…’’

‘’As we hide our love?’’

Sharon gulped, damn.

‘’No, I’m sorry that wasn’t what I meant’’

‘’It’s okay silly, isn’t a lie is it?’’ 

Alaska sighed, parking the car in her usual parking spot. Sharon used to call it ''princess parking'' because she always parked there. Alaska could get mad when somebody parked there, like a spoiled princess.

‘’Well, not today! My parents are going to a church event and they don’t wanna take me because they might suspect I’m gay... So we can go to my house…’’ Sharon touched Alaska’s arm very subtly ‘’to be alone, you know?’’

All she wanted was to have some alone time with her girl. She wanted to have a nice date, as all the other couples were having on Valentine’s day. For some reason Alaska got tense, as she saw a monster or something, chills ran out of her body. Sharon thought it was because the situation was very dangerous.

Now they were sat in a bench, sharing a bag of doughnuts Alaska got on the way. Alaska licked only the frosting, sucking the jelly, and whining when she saw she would have to eat the pastry. Sharon laughed, looking at her face all messed up:

''You have frosting and jelly all over your face''

''Don't blame me!''

''Is not my fault that your way to eat doughnuts it's funny as fuck'' she rubbed her finger on her sticky cheek ''cutie'' 

''It isn't, I'm a picky eater'' she crossed her arms

''I know you are, princess parking, princess doughnuts...'' Sharon mocked while she ate her doughnut. 

Alaska was still with crossed arms and a grumpy face. She was the cutest thing Sharon ever saw on her life: ''but at least I'm cute''

''Yes, you are'' she looked around and saw nobody was there. In a risky move, she kissed Alaska's sticky cheek ''super duper cute'' 

And they kept there, chilling and watching the students come around the bullying. Pretend to be only friends, but holding hands behind Alaska's purse. 

‘’So, what do you say about later?’’

‘’N-nice’’ Alaska answered, tense again. 

‘’Pumpkin are you okay?’’

‘’Yes, this is very scary you know? I still can’t believe we’re doing this’’

‘’Me neither, it’s gonna be so fun it’s being so long since we spent time together’’

‘’I guess that never happened’’ she laughed and rested her head on Sharon’s shoulder. ‘’Mmmm, you’re so warm’’ 

Apprehensive, she looked to both sides. Her shoulders were tense as she saw the students approaching them. Alaska knew exactly what to do, she held Sharon’s hands and muffed her head in her black hair pretending to sob. All the students stopped around them, Alaska held her hand a little bit tighter, she knew she would have to lie. 

‘’Her cat died when we were doing a group project yesterday’’

‘’Oh’’ they whispered

‘’Tragic, I’m so sorry lask’’

‘’Poor kitty’’

‘’What if the goth dyke killed her cat? Isn’t she satanic or something?’’ 

‘’Do you want me to tell Miss Visage that you two are going to be late or something? Sharon, you’re the only one who can help her’’ 

Alaska nodded, her best friend Courtney's words seeming very genuine. She still pretended to sob, and the comments never stopped until it was class time.

As the students got to their respective classes, Alaska smirked. They would have some minutes alone, finally. In their world, they always had to make up those situations, in their world, they couldn’t be like Courtney and her boyfriend William - together in public... 

But they weren’t. 

‘’You’re such a good liar’’ Alaska whispered, coming even more close to Sharon.

‘’And you’re a good actress princess’’ she held her face tenderly ‘’the best’’ 

Now they were playing dangerous, somebody could show up, it would be the end of them. It would be their ruin, but they enjoyed every second of that kiss. Hands were on Alaska’s hair pulling her closer, it wasn’t a rough kiss, it was very careful and passionate. The black haired girl kissed her as her lips were delicate as angel dust. Sharon always treated Alaska like she was the most fragile being in the world. With the touch of a feather, but intensively loving her. 

They smiled in the kiss, laughed, and kissed again. They were so happy and in love. Sharon wanted to be there forever, and for one moment it was like the rest of the world didn’t exist for them. They stopped and pressed their foreheads together, gazing each other eyes. Sharon felt Alaska whine when she pulled away. It was the cutest thing to see her grumpy girlfriend with a pout on her lips in absence of her warmth. 

‘’You’re so cute when you pout, but don’t be grumpy’’

‘’I want you’’ she whined 

‘’But we have to go to class Lask! We already risked too much...’’ Sharon held her hand and caressing it with her thumb ‘’We have later in my house remember? I promise to cuddle you and never let you go’’

‘’Do you promise?’’ 

Alaska’s innocent tone was going to be Sharon’s ruin some day, that girl was so cute. 

‘’I promise angel, now, class?’’

‘’Class!’’ she kissed Sharon’s cheek.

Sharon watched the bubbly blonde drift to the building awkwardly and stayed there. Alaska had to go to class because she had a bright future and was a good girl. But Sharon didn’t care, she was about to light a cigarette when she heard her girlfriend’s whiny voice by far.

‘’Sharon?’’

‘’What?’’ she screamed back. 

‘’Stop it, go to class, or I won’t come’’

‘’B-but baby’’

‘’Now. Don’t make me go there.’’

The black haired girl sighed and got up of the bench, running to meet Alaska. She would do everything for her, even if that meant hearing her boring Sciences teacher voice.

[...]

Like she was in a getaway car running away from a very bad crime, Alaska couldn’t stop speeding up. Sharon that never cared about the thrill of the rush being too much got scared, and almost telling her to stop. A weird contrast, since Alaska, was always the scared one, and the one who cared about the laws. She said it was for a good reason, and as Sharon was a good rebel, she accepted it and put her new CD to play. Alaska seemed to realize the joy in her eyes singing the lyrics of her favorite song.

Sharon’s house wasn’t too far from school, and they arrived very fast. Alaska parked a few squares before Sharon’s house for safety, Sharon could feel she was shaking. The black haired girl got worried and asked her what was up. Alaska used to hate worrying Sharon, so she mumbled an '' I'm scared'' and looked away. 

But that wasn’t enough, she would never let her baby feel scared and unprotected. So she ignored the fact all her neighbors could see that and wrapped her arm on Alaska’s shoulder. The walk now was calm and heartwarming, with Alaska humming a sweet love song filling her heart with love.

It was good to feel involved in a loving aura, such as other couples always did. It was good to not care, to not fight for their love all the time. It would be so good if they could date, meet each other’s parents, graduate high school together... They could get engaged, have a real wedding, and the future could be theirs. 

Even if sometimes she didn’t want to believe, Sharon knew they would have to end one time, and that scared her. It wasn't the speed of the car, not the yelling she heard every morning. What scared her was the future, and how fast everything was happening, because it would end just as fast.

Alaska noticed Sharon was a bit down, so she kissed her cheek and smiled: 

‘’We arrived!’’

For the first time, Sharon was happy to see her house. She looked around carefully and saw her parents weren’t home. The first thing they saw when she unlocked the door was a very excited Cerrone coming to greet them. Alaska picked him up and kissed his forehead: 

‘’Baby!!’’ she looked at his eyes ‘’look, Sharon, it's our baby, I’m like his mother too’’ she held him. 

The innocent glare on her eyes gave Sharon life again. She was so pure, so cute, so fragile. She wanted to protect her, she didn’t want anything bad to happen to her, ever. All she wanted was Alaska to be happy because she was happy, she was warmth, she was love. Tears started to run down her face when she didn’t even realize. 

Alaska immediately dropped Cerrone:

‘’Darling, what happened? Are you okay?’’ she approached her in her arms. 

‘’I am, I… Fuck…’’ Sharon tried to whip off her tears.

‘’Say it. What happened?’’

She wanted to say that, she wanted to say she loved her. But saying she loved her would make things too fast when everything was going faster. She wanted to say that three letter sentence, she wanted to say that feeling. She wanted to look inside her innocent eyes and say it, split it into her soul. But she felt terrified, she didn’t want Alaska to leave fast. If she made things slow, they would have more time together. 

‘’Nothing, I think it's just PMS''

Alaska sighed and petted her hair:

‘’I know you're lying, but if you don’t wanna tell me…’’

‘’Its nothing Lask’’ she held her hand ‘’I promise. Now can you go to my room so I can show you what I have prepared?’’ Sharon whispered, kissing her cheek. 

For one moment she heard Alaska gulp.

‘’Y-yeah’’

She didn’t understand why Alaska was so nervous, but anyways she let her go upstairs with Cerrone the cat. Probably to give him more affection than he could get - as she did with Sharon. She looked persistently in all the kitchen for chocolates. She knew her dad gave it to her mom, and that she didn’t eat and hide because it would make her gain weight. It wasn’t hard to find, her mom wasn't good on hiding things like her daughter. The funny thing was that her dad was very abusive, but on Valentine's day, he got her mom the best of the best. 

Continuing to her adventure in the kitchen’s secrets, she hummed a song. Sharon grabbed a bottle of the wine she knew her mom hides to drink when nobody is around. Sharon already had a lot of that by her back, and she knew her mom wouldn’t notice if a bottle was missing. Sharon wasn’t the only one with secrets, and sometimes these secrets benefited her. 

Lastly, she grabbed Alaska’s gift on her backpack. A photo album of all the moments they had together - or almost. Sharon took a pic of Cerrone in the morning before the day they meet. The church took a pic on the same day - where Sharon and Alaska appeared, both with their families. A polaroid of Sharon Alaska took back when they were only friends, to show her how beautiful she was. She had pictures of the yearbook, pictures of memories and places: Of the bench, they always used to sit, of their cats together... It had one very secret pic: a pic of they kissing, on a photo-booth in a church event. That picture could be their end, but Sharon kept it anyways. 

With everything ready, she got into her room all happy. She opened the door and found a worried Alaska sitting on her bed and petting Cerrone. She dropped the stuff on her head table and took a seat on her side. 

‘’Sharon…’’

‘’What happened baby?’’

‘’I’m not… I’m not ready for this’’

That was like somebody stabbed Sharon in all the possible places she could get stabbed. Alaska was dumping her, on valentines day, after she almost says she loved her… She couldn’t process her. 

‘’I’m sorry I… I have to respect that you wanna leave so, go’’

Alaska’s face had a confused expression on it: ‘’Oh! No, I don’t wanna break up, hell no!’’

Sharon almost cried, she didn’t want to break up. That made her so happy. 

‘’Then what it is?’’

‘’I know like is what young kids do these days. And I’m not the old fashioned ‘i wanna wait until the wedding’ kind of girl, but I want to wait a little bit you know? Because I love you, but when we graduate and I go to college it would be safer…’’

It couldn’t be real, she sighed in relief. Her silly girlfriend, her adorably silly girlfriend was the love of her life. She immediately held her and kissed her forehead:

‘’I don’t wanna have sex with you, silly. I mean I want to you’re really hot who wouldn’t? But not now’’

‘’I’m sorry I’m so dumb-’’

‘’No! You’re smart… So smart, I-’’

‘’Then what did you planned?’’ 

Sharon grabbed the wine and the chocolates: ‘’very fancy, huh?’’ 

Alaska laughed, the sound of her laugh was ethereal, and music to Sharon's ear.

‘’And… There’s this, but open when you’re home’’ she handed her the photo album.

Alaska nodded and held Sharon: ‘’thank you, thank you, thank you. You’re the best girlfriend, you’re the best person’’

For the rest of the afternoon, they drank the wine, ate the chocolates, and just loved. Without caring about anything else, without worrying about anything. It was almost sunset time, but they were too busy - and a little bit drunk - to go out to see it. Alaska got wrapped in Sharon’s arms, while she rubbed her thumb on her arm. They were watching Mean Girls, and both of them agreed they were a not mean version of Regina and Janis. 

Heaven was a place on earth when they were together. 

‘’I love you’’ 

Alaska whispering that made Sharon burst into tears again. No one made Sharon cry as much as she did. She loved her. She… She loved her back. She felt scared of that, things would go fast, but as much as she was with her she would lose all her fear. 

‘’I love you too’’ she kissed her cheek ‘’so much, I want to hold you forever and never let you go.’’

They were so in love that they didn’t realize the yelling, the same yelling Sharon heard every morning. They didn’t realize when Cerrone left the room scared, because he could sense that danger was coming. They were too busy kissing for paying attention to Sharon’s mom calling her name over and over. Alaska’s lips were so soft, nothing else mattered but that moment where her lips never felt sweeter.

A slam in the door, two slams, three… They didn’t hear. They lost all their senses in that kiss, and it didn’t seem like they would come back. Well, now the door was open, and Sharon’s parents gasped. 

The yelling she heads all the mornings now was way louder and directed to her. Awful things, she didn’t even think she would hear from her own parents. Her dad was so mad that in one moment she threw the bottle of wine in the wall, that made Alaska start to cry. Seeing Alaska crying broke her heart if that was only her dealing with that situation it would be better. But when her angel baby was crying, she wanted to feel all her pain in her place instead. 

It happened so sudden, in one moment they were the happiest ever, and now they were miserable. Sharon held Alaska’s hand in all the process, rubbing her thumb on it, but it couldn’t make her stop crying. Her parents only talked about God, about how they both were freaks. They said they were mad that they all breathed the same air. It wasn’t a thing a parent would say to their children, it wasn’t even a thing a human being would say to another. 

Patricia was talking the most now. Sharon’s dad was quiet, shaking his head. Alaska couldn’t stop tearing up, Sharon in one moment started to cry too. But then minutes later her dad showed who he really was.

‘’I’m tired of all this shit, I’m fucking tired of this girl whining Patricia'' He seemed done. ''This fucking dykes… In my house.., Under MY roof.’’ he looked at Alaska and pointed a finger to her ‘’I’m disgusted with you'’

He grabbed Alaska by her arm, Alaska whined in pain. His nails digging into her skin: ‘’Freak’’ he slapped her face 

Her arm was almost bleeding. Sharon was crying, begging for some mercy on Alaska. She didn’t support to see who she loved suffering like that, she would rather die. 

‘’Please, stop it! Dad, don't do it with her. Do it with me, leave her alone’ 

Her dad let Alaska go, only to drag Sharon to the nearest wall - where he broke the glass of wine. She got cut by the rests of the bottle and more tears ran into her face. 

‘’You’re not my daughter, you’re not the girl I raised. You’re a lost girl, just like your mom. The difference is that I fixed her, the same way I'm fixing you now...''

Suddenly her mom slapped her dad in the face. Breathless. Alaska was with her head on her knees, sobbing her heart out. 

‘’Alaska, go home, never appear in our sight again and never tell anyone about this! Do you hear me? I don't wanna even hear your name again’’

Scared, Alaska nodded and left in a matter of seconds. Her dad was still mad, but her mom got into her senses. After locking Sharon in her room, they had a long chat - that involved yelling and crying. Sharon was crying too, crying her soul out. Thinking about Alaska, thinking about how her spirit was still all over the room. She only wished she could go back, freeze at the moment they were loving together, live there forever.

‘’Now let’s talk like a normal family. A normal family with a lesbian on it…’’ Her mom sighed, opening the door. 

‘’I hate you’’ Sharon yelled.

She saw her dad almost slap her face again, but her mom prevented him:

‘’You hate us, and you hate God. But God loves you, and we do too. So we are going to cure you, Sharon! Nobody is born gay, deviant. There’s no such a thing, you were born straight, you’re not a lesbian. God doesn't make mistakes so he made you straight, but you make mistakes: that's why you choose this way’’ 

That words were so fake, Sharon wanted to slap her mom across the face, but she only could sob. Of course, she didn’t believe that her mother was wrong. She the one who was making mistakes there, being so intolerant and toxic. 

Now, everything was numb as she was suffocating in the toxicity. But she had to handle that, because what choice did she have? 

[...]

Sharon woke up with noise again. It has been one month, but the noises were new. They came from the bells indicating that the morning mass was approaching. Sharon knew what she got to do, get dressed, remind her roommate Phi Phi that she had to wake up. She was basically the only person she talked to on her awful place.

That place in question had an awful name: ‘’Saint Bernard School For Problematic Teens’’. A school that was a conversion therapy center disguised as a boarding school. It was incredible how these places existed, even if they violated the law. As if the homophobia from religion wasn’t enough, they had this place there nearby the city she used to live. 

Now she had to pretend she was being ‘’cured’’, getting forced to go ''back to be straight''. She couldn’t have any contact with home before they think she’s doing ‘’progress’’. that included any type of contact with Alaska or her past, or anything that reminded her of it. She could never see the love of her life again, and that made her so miserable, she didn't even want to live anymore.

What they didn’t know is that Sharon always sobbed her name alone in the bathroom, crying her heart out. That place wasn’t home, it was everything but home. It was a dirty place, that made her heart numb instead of happy. Her parents thought that was the best for her, but she only could cry every day.

She missed Alaska, she missed Cerrone, she missed her room, her clothes, and her guitar. She missed what meant home for her, all the big, and little things.

As the rules said she had to make her bed, but she didn’t care that morning. The only thing that motivated her was one Polaroid of Alaska she found in one of the jackets her mom forgot to get rid of. She was in her uniform, smiling and holding her baby cat while Cerrone was on her feet - probably jealous. A tear fell from her eyes while she analyzed the picture, she missed them so much. They were her real family. 

Phi Phi noticed that nostalgic and melancholic Sharon on the other side of the room:

‘’C’mon party city, I know you miss her! I bet she’s lovely, and it worth it to be here because of her... Look, I know what you’re experiencing, but if we get late we will have to do chores, I do not like them. So can you... Rush?’’

Phi Phi also had a secret girlfriend before getting sent to that place. Sharon knew that she was there for a very long time, so she probably saw herself on Sharon. She had an Alaska too, and every night Sharon heard her call her name while she was asleep, saying she loved her. She knew she wasn’t alone, that made her bittersweet - a lot of people like her were there, they would comfort her. But they also were experiencing her pain, and she wouldn’t wish that to anyone. 

And they left for the mass. The hallways were crowded with students as the students. A peculiar girl called her attention, like a light in the dark. She wasn’t wearing a uniform, and she seemed to be scared, running away. It would be impossible to run away from there, so it must be somebody from outside.

‘’...Sharon?’’

When she heard that voice she was sure miracles existed. But then she disappeared in the middle of the crowd. It could be a morning hallucination: she used to see Alaska in many places when she was sleep deprived. It could be a different girl, it could be her imagination. Sharon didn’t know what was real anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again. This is my first time writing real angst, so idk, it's completely out of my comfort zone (people who know my writing know I am a fluff bitch), so I'm sorry if it got shitty. I got pretty uncomfortable writing the *eek* scenes, so I might never write one of those again djfhkdghjkdgkjgd, but it was an experience. (I hate myself for doing that with my soft girls :( WHYYYY).  
> Thanks for my friend @ b(ianca) that encouraged me to write this!! I love her so much, honestly? She's one of my greatest friends and I only kept writing this angsty ass piece bc of her!  
> English isn't my first language and I edit on my own, so have some mercy in my little dumb mistakes? I worked very hard on this fic tho :(   
> My writing tumblr is @ uranustrash and my main is @ aquariasbaby, hit me up if you wanna talk, give constructive criticism, say something nice or just ramble about random stuff!   
> Thanks for reading <3 I really appreciate!


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